The Truth About Success: Why Every Child Needs That One Believing Adult

The Meritocracy Myth Falls Apart

We’ve all heard the story: work hard, play by the rules, and success will follow. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know it’s not that straightforward. True meritocracy assumes everyone starts from the same place, competing on a perfectly level playing field. Yet anyone juggling elderly parents and growing children knows that life rarely offers such fairness.

Some families inherit generational wealth while others inherit generational trauma. Some children grow up with two involved parents while others navigate single parenthood or authoritarian households. Some have access to excellent schools and enrichment activities, while others struggle to cover basic needs. These aren’t moral failings or personal shortcomings—they’re simply different starting points.

When Heroes Fall: The Lance Armstrong Effect

Remember how we celebrated Lance Armstrong? Seven consecutive Tour de France victories after beating cancer—it was the ultimate triumph-over-adversity story. We held him up to our children as proof that determination conquers all. Then came the performance-enhancing drug revelations, and his achievements were stripped away.

Armstrong’s downfall wasn’t just about cheating in cycling. It revealed something deeper about our cultural obsession with individual achievement at any cost. His fear of losing drove him to compromise his integrity, showing us what happens when we make success the only measure of worth.

Understanding Privilege and Disadvantage

Every person carries both advantages and disadvantages through life. Privilege isn’t about guilt or shame—it’s simply recognizing that some of us have head starts we didn’t earn ourselves. Maybe previous generations built wealth or social connections. Maybe we were born with certain abilities or into supportive communities.

Similarly, everyone faces challenges that can pull them back. Trauma, financial struggles, family dysfunction, discrimination, or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time can create barriers that others don’t face.

The playing field isn’t level, and pretending it is doesn’t help anyone.

The One Thing That Makes the Difference

Here’s what I’ve learned from watching successful people—both in my family and beyond: Every person who made it through significant challenges had at least one adult who believed in them unconditionally.

Not someone who believed in them only when they succeeded. Not someone who supported them only when they made good choices. But someone who saw their potential even when they couldn’t see it themselves, who stood by them through failures and setbacks, who never gave up on them even when they gave up on themselves.

What This Means for Sandwich Parents

For our children: Instead of pushing the “work harder” narrative, we can acknowledge their efforts while recognizing the role of circumstances in outcomes. We can celebrate their character development alongside their achievements. Most importantly, we can be their unwavering supporter, the adult who believes in them when they can’t believe in themselves.

For our aging parents: We can honor their life experiences and wisdom while recognizing that they too deserve unconditional support as they face new challenges. Their worth isn’t measured by their productivity or independence—it’s inherent in who they are.

For ourselves: We can release the pressure of having to earn our place in the world over and over again. We can acknowledge our privileges without guilt and our disadvantages without shame, focusing instead on how we can use our position to lift others up.

Building a Better Narrative

The meritocracy myth is more than just inaccurate—it’s harmful. It leaves people feeling personally responsible for systemic inequalities and ashamed when they can’t overcome every obstacle through sheer willpower.

A healthier narrative acknowledges that success involves effort, opportunity, timing, support systems, and yes, some degree of luck. It celebrates people who work hard while recognizing that hard work alone isn’t always enough. It values character and kindness alongside achievement.

Most importantly, it reminds us that every person deserves at least one adult who believes in them completely.

In a world that often feels unfair and unpredictable, unconditional belief might be the most powerful gift we can offer. It won’t level the playing field entirely, but it can give someone the strength to keep playing the game, knowing they’re not alone on the field.

Moving Forward Together

The next time you’re tempted to tell a struggling child or parent to “just work harder,” remember that everyone is fighting battles you can’t see, carrying advantages and disadvantages that shape their journey in ways beyond their control.

Instead, be the adult who believes. Be the voice that says, “I see your efforts, I acknowledge your challenges, and I believe in who you are becoming.” In our complex, unfair world, that unwavering belief might just be the most level playing field we can create.