Jen and Eli are a Canadian professional coaching team specializing in working with clients who come from toxic / dysfunctional / abusive families. They work with parents to heal childhood trauma so they don’t continue the cycle of abuse with their own children. Such important work. Join me as I chat with them today.
Parents to two teens, this husband and wife team decided shortly after their first child was born that they were going to raise their children differently than their parents did. With years of training, they are certified by the World Coaching Institute as Child, Youth, Parent and Family Coaches. They are dedicated to teaching “Respectful Parenting for Generational Transformation,” and specialize in providing a flexible, fully customized family coaching experience.
We talked about how:
- Growing up in an authoritarian household (“Do as I say, or else!”), both knew that they wanted to parent differently.
- Jen has had a lot of experience working with children with behavioural challenges. She learned early on how to build a connective relationship through sitting with them and listening deeply. She started by sharing these approaches with Eli.
- They felt it important not only to heal their family intergenerational trauma, but what they learned can work was something they wanted to share with the world.
- A lot of their clients like that there is both a mom and a dad to talk to.
- Many clients have difficult emotional triggers to work through. A lot of time they don’t even know why. Children are so good at accidentally setting off these triggers.
- Our job is to guide, teach, or mentor. But children can’t learn if they are in flight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.
- We always want to start with, “How do we control our kids?” but the real question is “How do we control ourselves?” It’s more about you and how you will manage things when someone steps on your landmine.
- A lot of clients are afraid that their children will want to be estranged from them just as they are estranged from their own parents.
- Having inappropriate expectations of children based on where they are developmentally will always lead to disappointment and frustrations.
- Childhood traumas lead to addictions.
- They have a Facebook community for people who grew up in toxic family environments and don’t want to set up similar dynamics in their own families. They even have people join BEFORE they have kids, they are so petrified of messing up!
- Jen shared a very personal moment that forced her to confront the question of whether or not to go ‘no contact’ with her parents.
- We have to decide the message we are sending to our children. Are we providing proper safety for our children? We have to teach our children to be strong in their convictions and that they will still be loved by us even if those contradict ours.
- Remember that we are human. It’s so important to have rupture and repair moments. To model apologizing and having two-way conversations.
- Jen and Eli will be launching an online step-by-step program to teach people how to bring about behavioural changes in their daily family lives.
Eli’s final message: Don’t ever give up on your journey. It’s not about the mistakes but how you deal with them that counts.
Jen’s final message: This is a transformational journey and it takes time. it’s not about being a perfect parent, but being human. Don’t be so hard on yourself.